Should I tell my partner?

[Unacceptance]

I have been with my partner for 10 years, but she doesn't know this part of me. I hate keeping secrets from her. Should I tell her? I'm afraid she will run a mile.

[xj900uk]

It's up to you at the end of the day, Unacceptance. I can only advise you that these things come out, eventually. You should tell her as gently and as openly as you can, explain that there should be no secrets between you. If she truly loves and cares for you, she will understand. Better you tell her than she finds out some other way by accident.
As for me, the important friends and family know that I have an interest in this subject and I write a lot of 'strong adult fantasy fiction'; everyone else I don't really care whether they know or not.

[Xukpi]

I do not think she will run a mile if she does both love you and do not see you as a puppet, unless she strongly disapproves it and did not expect such a fancy, but that you probably already know.
It is the way you bring the matter that could make the difference. To jump right away in the water or to walk in?

With someone who is not at all in the fantasy stuff, it will be (it should be) the "DA DT" behavior. After all everyone could have a "secret garden" (not very secret) provided that it does not take too much time on your time together. Like soccer or else.

[Unacceptance]

Thanks for your replies, both of you. They are helpful. I have thought about bringing it up so many times to her, but recently I have been thinking about it even more. Maybe she'd even indulge my fantasies, and pretend to be shot, lol. No, but it's strange in the way that she never appears in such of my fantasies. Perhaps my brain has made her off limits even in the realm of fantasy! Is anyone else the same? Also, those that have shared their fantasies, do your partners act out for you?

[notvole]

I’ve been married nearly 50 years. It took me years to admit it and I made a mess of it at first. Since then I’ve thought deeply about where my fantasy came from. I then shared it and we started acting it out. When we are naked I will stab her in the tummy with a trick knife or shoot her with a toy gun. Usually I will masturbate myself as I do this. Although she simply tolerates this she started to poke me in my tummy as well. I hadn’t thought about being shot myself but I find it a massive turn on. It makes me cum every time. I suspect this is mostly because she thought of this herself. It makes me feel accepted.

I am a man of faith, so all this has worried me over the years. I’ve come to the conclusion that hiding from my wife is a bad thing and that, because this is so deeply ingrained, I must include her in everything - walking in the light if you like. I’ve even started to let her know when I’m viewing this stuff online. I’d say, definitely include her but discuss it properly.

[RTdenim]

For me, I've never been able to have this fantasy work for me with anyone I know or care about. It has always had to be a stranger/non de-script female figure or actress. I guess for me, even in fantasy, the thought of harm, pain or death coming to my wife or anyone I know has no appeal to me. I'm thinking that's a good thing! :-). Seriously though, since I can not include her in this fantasy because of that, I have never spoken to her about it. I have some more mundane main stream fetishes that she is aware of and tolerates :-), so I see no need to delve into this one. Good luck with whatever you decide.

[JohnLessaymen]

I've considered telling my partner of over a year myself. I never thought I would, that this would be buried deep down forever, but the topic has come up lately about fetishes and what kind of porn we watch, and I'm a bad liar. So I've just said I'm uncomfortable talking about it and last time it was brought up and I couldn't really answer what I watched the most, I just said it's "really weird" and then she dropped it.

I want to tell her, but I am afraid of losing her. I don't think she would actually leave me or anything, we have a great relationship, but I'm still afraid of her looking at me any differently or fearing that I'm going to hurt her

We are able to have a healthy sexual relationship without any role play or anything, but it sure would help me as well if we played out my fantasies. I was thinking of telling her it was a rape fetish, as that somehow seems to me more likely to be accepted or at least understood for whatever reason, and we would still get to play out the dom aspects of the fetish that I enjoy.

[Big O]

I will be the contrarian and say "NO"! You don't have to know everything about your partner and vice versa. There are couples married for decades and I would be willing to bet they don't know all of their partners' sexual fantasies. No matter how much someone loves you, do you think it is really a good idea to say "Honey, I've been meaning to tell you...I get sexually turned on by women being killed in movies, TV shows and sex fantasy play"? Maybe she will understand...Maybe she will dig it and indulge your fantasies, but MAYBE NOT and it could all go south. Ultimately, you have to weigh what you might gain, by what you may lose. Most people don't get this fetish and already think of us as deviants,myisogynists and latent serial killers...They don't understand the benign nature of our fetish, compared to the other "more well known or acceptable" fetishes that actually cause others pain and do harm. Just something to consider.

[hypnogogue]

Same for me. My wife knows about and totally accepts my fantasies but they don't impact our sex life at all. I've tried to get her interested in watching some fetish videos with me, and she was a little bit interested, but it just didn't "take." Similarly she has a strong fetish interest that I don't really have much to do with. So it doesn't make a huge difference to us either way but I'm very glad that both of us can be open about our fantasies.

[qauote=RTdenim post_id=167058 time=1700179949 user_id=12372]
For me, I've never been able to have this fantasy work for me with anyone I know or care about. It has always had to be a stranger/non de-script female figure or actress. I guess for me, even in fantasy, the thought of harm, pain or death coming to my wife or anyone I know has no appeal to me. I'm thinking that's a good thing! :-). Seriously though, since I can not include her in this fantasy because of that, I have never spoken to her about it. I have some more mundane main stream fetishes that she is aware of and tolerates :-), so I see no need to delve into this one. Good luck with whatever you decide.
[/quote]

[Unacceptance]

Well, there's definitely been some interesting things said in this discussion, and I really don't know what to do. As it has been said, it's not the best type of kink to share with a partner, although it's also not a nice thing to do to have to conceal part of yourself. I really do want to tell my partner, but I'm struggling to find the words, and I really don't want to scare her away. I definitely feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place, and I'm guessing some on here can relate!

[Xukpi]

Go slow Unacceptance
Begin with spanking proposals with mock faults, hide and seek... and grab.
You will see your partner's reaction.
It is acting too.